Warning: Illegal string offset 'html' in /home/hsn/public_html/forum/cache/skin_cache/cacheid_1/skin_topic.php on line 909

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/hsn/public_html/forum/cache/skin_cache/cacheid_1/skin_topic.php:909) in /home/hsn/public_html/forum/admin/sources/classes/output/formats/html/htmlOutput.php on line 114

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/hsn/public_html/forum/cache/skin_cache/cacheid_1/skin_topic.php:909) in /home/hsn/public_html/forum/admin/sources/classes/output/formats/html/htmlOutput.php on line 127

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/hsn/public_html/forum/cache/skin_cache/cacheid_1/skin_topic.php:909) in /home/hsn/public_html/forum/admin/sources/classes/output/formats/html/htmlOutput.php on line 136

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/hsn/public_html/forum/cache/skin_cache/cacheid_1/skin_topic.php:909) in /home/hsn/public_html/forum/admin/sources/classes/output/formats/html/htmlOutput.php on line 137

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/hsn/public_html/forum/cache/skin_cache/cacheid_1/skin_topic.php:909) in /home/hsn/public_html/forum/admin/sources/classes/output/formats/html/htmlOutput.php on line 141
Jokes/Funny Stuff - HSN forum - Page 3

Jump to content


Jokes/Funny Stuff


727 replies to this topic

#41 Shaun

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,571 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 05 April 2005 - 09:04 PM

I've marged another topic about jokes into this one. So if you read the first couple of jokes you'll see some jokes posted a while back.

#42 AmAnDa

    Site Swot

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 232 posts
  • Interests:Gymnastics, watching TV, listening to music, shopping
  • Gender:Female

Posted 05 April 2005 - 09:15 PM

Yeah I noticed! smile.gif
Good idea!

user posted image
(`'•.Έ(`'•.Έ Έ.•'΄)Έ.•'΄)
x..*...x•..•°.Amanda loves Craig•..•°.x...*..x
(Έ.•'΄(Έ.•'΄ `'•.Έ)`'•.Έ)


#43 bred

    Brendan

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,215 posts
  • Location:Edinburgh
  • Interests:I have just graduated with a 2:1 in Geography [MA (Hons)] from The University of Edinburgh. I like sports: swimming, cycling, snowboarding, running, football, mountain biking and also travelling and photography.
  • Gender:Male

Posted 05 April 2005 - 09:17 PM

^Ditto. smile.gif For a second though I thought it was strange there had been so many posts in the thread since I last visited it less than an hour before!
Please vote for me! (Brendan Howard, 5th from bottom, only 1 vote required): http://answers.polld...m/poll/2330393/

#44 Paul

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,621 posts
  • Location:Glasgow
  • Interests:was at Glasgow Uni Studying Maths, Physics and Geography for a year but got bored of it and decided to go to Strathclyde and do Maths with Teaching, currently enjoying my summer holidays before starting 2nd year in september!<br /><br />grades achieved at school were:<br /><br />SG Maths - 1<br />SG Physics - 1<br />SG Graphics - 1<br />SG Admin - 1<br />SG German - 2<br />SG Geography - 2<br />SG English - 2<br />SG Art - 2<br />H Maths - B<br />H Physics - B<br />H English - B<br />H Art - A<br />H Accounts - A<br />H Admin - A<br />AH Maths - A<br />AH Art - C<br /><br />Music...wot would I do without it!? Kaiser Chiefs, Killers, Razorlight, Franz Ferdinand, Editors, Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, Hard-Fi, Greenday, Stereophonics, Oasis, Kasabian, Raconteurs, Dirty Pretty Things, Libertines... I could go on all day!<br /><br />Moderator for HSN so don't hesitate to get in touch!
  • Gender:Male

Posted 05 April 2005 - 10:19 PM

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom β€œI'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.” Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, β€œMan, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
Rockness 2008!
T in the Park 2008!
YAS!

#45 Paul

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,621 posts
  • Location:Glasgow
  • Interests:was at Glasgow Uni Studying Maths, Physics and Geography for a year but got bored of it and decided to go to Strathclyde and do Maths with Teaching, currently enjoying my summer holidays before starting 2nd year in september!<br /><br />grades achieved at school were:<br /><br />SG Maths - 1<br />SG Physics - 1<br />SG Graphics - 1<br />SG Admin - 1<br />SG German - 2<br />SG Geography - 2<br />SG English - 2<br />SG Art - 2<br />H Maths - B<br />H Physics - B<br />H English - B<br />H Art - A<br />H Accounts - A<br />H Admin - A<br />AH Maths - A<br />AH Art - C<br /><br />Music...wot would I do without it!? Kaiser Chiefs, Killers, Razorlight, Franz Ferdinand, Editors, Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, Hard-Fi, Greenday, Stereophonics, Oasis, Kasabian, Raconteurs, Dirty Pretty Things, Libertines... I could go on all day!<br /><br />Moderator for HSN so don't hesitate to get in touch!
  • Gender:Male

Posted 05 April 2005 - 10:20 PM

what do you call an expert fisherman???? a masterbaiter!
Rockness 2008!
T in the Park 2008!
YAS!

#46 Paul

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,621 posts
  • Location:Glasgow
  • Interests:was at Glasgow Uni Studying Maths, Physics and Geography for a year but got bored of it and decided to go to Strathclyde and do Maths with Teaching, currently enjoying my summer holidays before starting 2nd year in september!<br /><br />grades achieved at school were:<br /><br />SG Maths - 1<br />SG Physics - 1<br />SG Graphics - 1<br />SG Admin - 1<br />SG German - 2<br />SG Geography - 2<br />SG English - 2<br />SG Art - 2<br />H Maths - B<br />H Physics - B<br />H English - B<br />H Art - A<br />H Accounts - A<br />H Admin - A<br />AH Maths - A<br />AH Art - C<br /><br />Music...wot would I do without it!? Kaiser Chiefs, Killers, Razorlight, Franz Ferdinand, Editors, Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, Hard-Fi, Greenday, Stereophonics, Oasis, Kasabian, Raconteurs, Dirty Pretty Things, Libertines... I could go on all day!<br /><br />Moderator for HSN so don't hesitate to get in touch!
  • Gender:Male

Posted 05 April 2005 - 10:23 PM

Why did the woman cross the road?? never mind that, whats she doin outta the kitchen!

sorrrrry all you ladeeeez out ther!
Rockness 2008!
T in the Park 2008!
YAS!

#47 Floorball Maniac

    Child Prodigy

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 708 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Gender:Male

Posted 06 April 2005 - 08:51 AM

hee hee

#48 djh1878

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,171 posts
  • Location:Stirlingshire
  • Interests:Football: I'm a Clyde fan!!!<br /><br />Music: Oasis, Guns 'n' Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers, U2, Franz Ferdinand, Snow Patrol, The Killers etc... and I'm a drummer!!!<br /><br />Golf: 18 handicap (I know...rubbish!)<br /><br />Exam Results:<br />SG - 11111222<br />Higher - AAABBC<br />Adv Higher - C<br /><br />I'm going to Aberdeen Uni to do French and International Relations in September!
  • Gender:Male

Posted 06 April 2005 - 09:58 AM

QUOTE(Shandogg @ Apr 5 2005, 10:20 PM)
what do you call an expert fisherman???? a masterbaiter!

View Post



Ur risking trouble with that one! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

I laughed tho. rolleyes.gif
Check Out My Space! - www.myspace.com

Aberdeen University - French and International Relations - September 06'

IPB Image

#49 bred

    Brendan

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,215 posts
  • Location:Edinburgh
  • Interests:I have just graduated with a 2:1 in Geography [MA (Hons)] from The University of Edinburgh. I like sports: swimming, cycling, snowboarding, running, football, mountain biking and also travelling and photography.
  • Gender:Male

Posted 06 April 2005 - 10:48 AM

good jokes biggrin.gif
Please vote for me! (Brendan Howard, 5th from bottom, only 1 vote required): http://answers.polld...m/poll/2330393/

#50 JiLL

    Child Prodigy

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 611 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 06 April 2005 - 04:44 PM

hehehehe!! tongue.gif
beast

#51 Paul

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,621 posts
  • Location:Glasgow
  • Interests:was at Glasgow Uni Studying Maths, Physics and Geography for a year but got bored of it and decided to go to Strathclyde and do Maths with Teaching, currently enjoying my summer holidays before starting 2nd year in september!<br /><br />grades achieved at school were:<br /><br />SG Maths - 1<br />SG Physics - 1<br />SG Graphics - 1<br />SG Admin - 1<br />SG German - 2<br />SG Geography - 2<br />SG English - 2<br />SG Art - 2<br />H Maths - B<br />H Physics - B<br />H English - B<br />H Art - A<br />H Accounts - A<br />H Admin - A<br />AH Maths - A<br />AH Art - C<br /><br />Music...wot would I do without it!? Kaiser Chiefs, Killers, Razorlight, Franz Ferdinand, Editors, Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, Hard-Fi, Greenday, Stereophonics, Oasis, Kasabian, Raconteurs, Dirty Pretty Things, Libertines... I could go on all day!<br /><br />Moderator for HSN so don't hesitate to get in touch!
  • Gender:Male

Posted 06 April 2005 - 05:28 PM

QUOTE(djh1878 @ Apr 6 2005, 10:58 AM)
QUOTE(Shandogg @ Apr 5 2005, 10:20 PM)
what do you call an expert fisherman???? a masterbaiter!

View Post



Ur risking trouble with that one! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

I laughed tho. rolleyes.gif

View Post



aww, i'm sure my fellow moderators will see the funny side of it too!

Rockness 2008!
T in the Park 2008!
YAS!

#52 Floorball Maniac

    Child Prodigy

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 708 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Gender:Male

Posted 06 April 2005 - 07:02 PM

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"
The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

#53 AmAnDa

    Site Swot

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 232 posts
  • Interests:Gymnastics, watching TV, listening to music, shopping
  • Gender:Female

Posted 06 April 2005 - 08:23 PM

Lol!! laugh.gif

user posted image
(`'•.Έ(`'•.Έ Έ.•'΄)Έ.•'΄)
x..*...x•..•°.Amanda loves Craig•..•°.x...*..x
(Έ.•'΄(Έ.•'΄ `'•.Έ)`'•.Έ)


#54 Shaun

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,571 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 06 April 2005 - 09:26 PM

Lol tongue.gif.

#55 Gavers

    Site Swot

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 146 posts
  • Gender:Male

Posted 28 May 2005 - 09:54 PM

Bit of an old topic, but I though I'd dredge it up a bit biggrin.gif

Heres some for ya

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fish swims into a wall.

"Dam..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a
drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the
bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?'
A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice,
the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6'
tall, 15 stone blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman
sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your
right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously,
Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have
to explain it five times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man in car stopped by police.
P: Sir you were doing 60mph in a 40mph zone
M: No I wasn't
P: Sir I can assure you you were. I caught you on my radar
M: No I was not
Man's wife: Officer, don't argue with him, he's drunk almost a bottle
of whisky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's ET short for?
Coz he's only got little legs....boom boom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sleeping beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping
Beauty said "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world"
Tom Thumb said "I must be the smallest person in the world" Quasimodo said
"I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world" They decided to
go to the Guiness Book of Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping
Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "Its official I
am the most beautiful girl in the world" Tom Thumb went next and emerged
triumphant "I am officially the smallest person in the world" Sometime later
Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated "Who the hell is
Camilla Parker Bowles?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening
drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red
and blue light behind him.
Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The
needle hit 130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and
the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't
feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you
can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher
came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're
only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have
to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success. Finally, they summoned the police. The policeman surveyed the
situation briefly.
"All right, sir. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
Where are you from, Sam?" the policeman asked.
"The balcony".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he
politely asked: "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died" replied Tim tearfully without looking up "and I've just
buried him".
The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a gold fish isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last piece of earth.
"Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A duck walks into a pub one day and asks the barman "You got any crackers?" and the barman replies "No, we don't sell crackers in here.". The duck says "Oh... Allright...."

"So, have you got any crackers then?"

"No, I just told you, we don't sell crackers in here, this is a pub, people buy alcoholic drinks an peanuts in here, no crackers."

"None?"

"None."

"Okay then... So, have you got any crackers?"

The barman, who is getting fairly annoyed by this time, turns quickl to the duck "For the love of all that is holy, NO!!! WE HAVE NO CRACKERS IN HERE!!! THIS IS A PUB!!!" Suddenly realising that he is scaring his patrons he lowers his voice and leans towards the duck. "If you ask me one more time for any bloody crackers, I will nail your beak to the bar!"

"Okay then." Says the duck. "You got any nails?"

"NO THIS IS A..."

"You got any crackers?" tongue.gif

A few semi - decent jokes I've found about the place biggrin.gif

Gavers =)

#56 Paul

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,621 posts
  • Location:Glasgow
  • Interests:was at Glasgow Uni Studying Maths, Physics and Geography for a year but got bored of it and decided to go to Strathclyde and do Maths with Teaching, currently enjoying my summer holidays before starting 2nd year in september!<br /><br />grades achieved at school were:<br /><br />SG Maths - 1<br />SG Physics - 1<br />SG Graphics - 1<br />SG Admin - 1<br />SG German - 2<br />SG Geography - 2<br />SG English - 2<br />SG Art - 2<br />H Maths - B<br />H Physics - B<br />H English - B<br />H Art - A<br />H Accounts - A<br />H Admin - A<br />AH Maths - A<br />AH Art - C<br /><br />Music...wot would I do without it!? Kaiser Chiefs, Killers, Razorlight, Franz Ferdinand, Editors, Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, Hard-Fi, Greenday, Stereophonics, Oasis, Kasabian, Raconteurs, Dirty Pretty Things, Libertines... I could go on all day!<br /><br />Moderator for HSN so don't hesitate to get in touch!
  • Gender:Male

Posted 28 May 2005 - 10:05 PM

laugh.gif v.good! but yeh, you rite - some are semi-decent! tongue.gif
Rockness 2008!
T in the Park 2008!
YAS!

#57 oddbins

    Top of the Class

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 361 posts
  • Location:Stirling, Scotland
  • Interests:I can't be arsed writing anything here. And I hate writing about myself anyway.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 28 May 2005 - 10:17 PM

Three blondes are stuck in the woods, and they want to cross the river.
One of them finds a magic lamp and wishes for a boat. She then crosses the river.
The second blonde wishes for a raft; and she too crosses the river.
The final blonde wishes she was a brunette and she uses the bridge to cross the river... huh.gif

My brother told me this joke the other day. I didn't find it funny though; he thought it was hilarious! unsure.gif

#58 Lesley

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,868 posts
  • Location:Glasgow
  • Interests:Haribo and irn bru, thanks.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 28 May 2005 - 10:25 PM

what do you call a woman stuck between two slice of bread?



marge! biggrin.gif


badoom ching
user posted image
Cows are magnificent,
Cows I call them "moos",
And sometimes silly folk,
They call my moos "coos".

#59 dfx

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,955 posts
  • Gender:Male

Posted 28 May 2005 - 10:26 PM

ROFL AHAHAHAHAHA those are jammin!

#60 Paul

    Fully Fledged Genius

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,621 posts
  • Location:Glasgow
  • Interests:was at Glasgow Uni Studying Maths, Physics and Geography for a year but got bored of it and decided to go to Strathclyde and do Maths with Teaching, currently enjoying my summer holidays before starting 2nd year in september!<br /><br />grades achieved at school were:<br /><br />SG Maths - 1<br />SG Physics - 1<br />SG Graphics - 1<br />SG Admin - 1<br />SG German - 2<br />SG Geography - 2<br />SG English - 2<br />SG Art - 2<br />H Maths - B<br />H Physics - B<br />H English - B<br />H Art - A<br />H Accounts - A<br />H Admin - A<br />AH Maths - A<br />AH Art - C<br /><br />Music...wot would I do without it!? Kaiser Chiefs, Killers, Razorlight, Franz Ferdinand, Editors, Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, Hard-Fi, Greenday, Stereophonics, Oasis, Kasabian, Raconteurs, Dirty Pretty Things, Libertines... I could go on all day!<br /><br />Moderator for HSN so don't hesitate to get in touch!
  • Gender:Male

Posted 29 May 2005 - 06:54 PM

keep the jokes comin!

v.good biggrin.gif
Rockness 2008!
T in the Park 2008!
YAS!





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users